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Silence and Intimacy

April 14, 2010

When I first met my husband, I was a broken mess. I had no idea what God had in store for me, only that I was lonely. I was tired of being a single mom and not having someone to come home to. I was sick of not being able to spend as much time with my child as I wanted because I had to work. And most of all, I was appalled at how these feelings manifested themselves in the form of anger and resentment.

I struggled for much of mine and Mark’s early relationship as I didn’t want to “not be true to myself”. I HAD to go to nursing school and have a back up plan. I HAD to support myself and my son. I HAD to be both mother and father (a role I knew, and still know, nothing about). Not to mention constantly punishing myself for getting stressed out and suffering those around me with the mood storms. It can be exhausting to think that you have to do everything, to be everything to everybody. I wanted relationships, but I didn’t know how to maintain them. I couldn’t maintain myself.

Because of all these things, I pushed God away and I pushed Mark away. My thinking was always along the lines that the relationships would end anyway, why get too attached? I know so many that have faced or are facing these same emotions.

Fortunately, we serve a God who not only is the author of life, but knows us, loves us, CHOOSES us!! He has been showing me little by little His love and how He woos me. I believe that God used Mark to show me how valuable He thinks I am. I always wanted to be a wife and mother and He answered that prayer. He has given me an example of how He loves that I can understand and relate to.

Over and over we are referred to as the bride of Christ. My favorite verse comes from Hosea and God says, “In that day you will no longer call me Baali (my master), but you will call me Ishi (my husband). He loved us so deeply that He sent His Son to die for us!!! We are His BELOVED!!! If that isn’t something to rejoice about, I don’t know what is! God is slowly wooing me, longing for the quiet times that we can spend together each day.

Over the years, weeks, months, I have prayed for God to strip away my pride, to show me His face, to hold me. The author of Intimate Faith gives such a beautiful picture of the scripture “be still and know that I am God”. Like a loving husband holds his bride in His arms to comfort her, so God wants to hold us in His arms. He wants to love and comfort us if we will only let Him. I am so overwhelmed that He would choose me for His bride. That He declares me worthy to worship and praise at His feet.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Carla permalink
    April 16, 2010 7:11 pm

    I love this Brandy…could relate to so much of it. It’s so obvious reading this how much he hs already done in you. Thank you for being so vulnerable and for sharing…you are a great writer too, I can’t wait to read more!

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